We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
