Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
