the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
