Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
