Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
