chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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