I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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