Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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