Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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