the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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