what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
