THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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