I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
