I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea