my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
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yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
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Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake