It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
