last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
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Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?