Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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