well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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