Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
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Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
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You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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