I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
