Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
