Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
BRING THE BAGELS
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
