I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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