On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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