Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
