i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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