You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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