you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
