So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
