I hate all girls vehemently.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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