She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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