6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
