there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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