dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Everclear isn't food dammit
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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