i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
