I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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