When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
