I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
