One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
