Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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