I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
