i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
