WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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