my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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