1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
