There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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