he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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