She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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