just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When did we convert life to cartoon?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
