Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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