this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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