Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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