so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
