So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
