I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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