Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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