Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
