Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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